I’d like to take a moment and welcome author Noah Baird (my ex husband….hehehehe) to Reviews By Molly today! This guest post is AWESOMENESS! If you don’t fall in love with Noah Baird just from this laugh-until-you-cry (or wet your pants!) posting, well then, I’ll personally pay you one million dollars. (Not really, since I don’t even have a hundred dollars to my name, but it sounded good…I’m not as funny as my Mr. Baird.) Welcome, Mr. Baird!
Howdy! I’m Noah Baird, author of Donations to Clarity. Today, I’m the guest blogger for Molly.
I’ve been looking at Molly’s website and trying to come up with something to blog about; something unique for Molly’s audience. Molly doesn’t write much about herself. She mostly focuses on book reviews. The narrow window we see into Molly’s life is she is divorced mother and she loves books; especially romance books.
Those of you who don’t know me, I am also divorced. I’m also a single parent.
What you may not know is: I’m Molly’s ex-husband. But I’m not the father of her children (long story). She doesn’t like to talk about it, and I respect her wishes.
For today’s blog, I’m going to review my book, Donations to Clarity, as Molly.
Noah Baird, my brain-damaged ex-husband, is perhaps the greatest writer of his generation. Unfortunately, his generation is best described as Neanderthals. While the greatest minds of his generation where painting on cave walls with their own poop and stringing three word sentences together (“Want food now” or “Butt itch bad”), Noah has stood out as the genius of his generation by stringing together as many as five words together to make a sentence. While most of his generation is extinct, Noah has somehow managed to live long enough to write a book.
Noah, my dearest Saint of Perpetual Retardation’s book, is a glimpse of into the mind of a village idiot. The three main characters, who are thinly-veiled versions of Noah in different states of lucidity, are nothing short of idiots. The character Bigfoot, who Noah claims is how he thinks a man would behave if a man wasn’t raised in our modern society, is an absolute misogynist pig. It is Noah. Let me be clear: Noah didn’t develop a character who is an absolute misogynist pig. Noah just wrote down what he did that day.
Thankfully, Noah didn’t try to include a sex scene in his book. Noah has only written what he knows. Unfortunately, the three word sentences of his generation would take longer to read than to list what Noah knows about sex.
The one thing of value I can honestly write about Noah’s book is: he was as respectful as he could be to the female characters. I should also point out the character, Echo Clyne, the spunky reporter who single-handedly kicked two government agent’s butts and figured out the conspiracy- that was based on me. I forced Noah to write me as a badass. It was part of the divorce decree.
Go buy Donations to Clarity by Noah Baird. It is one of the funniest books you will ever read. I award this book a Five Book – Absolutely Must Read rating!
OMG. Can I so marry him, for real? He is absolutely HILARIOUS!!! Thanks, Mr. Baird, for brightening up my blog today :-). You are most CERTAINLY welcome back here anytime!!!!
About Noah Baird
Noah Baird wanted to attend the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College, but his grades weren’t good enough (who knew?). However, his grades were good enough to fly for the U.S. Navy (again, who knew?), where he spent 14 years until the government figured out surfers don’t make the best military aviators. He has also tried to be a stand-up comedian in Hawaii for Japanese tourists where the language barrier really screwed up some great jokes. On the bright side, a sailboat was named after the punchline of one of his jokes.
He has several political satire pieces published on The Spoof under the pen name orioncrew. Noah received his bachelors in Historical and Political Sciences from Chaminade University, where he graduated magna cum laude. He knows nothing about hoaxing Bigfoot. Donations to Clarity is his first novel.
Connect with him at Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Noah-Baird-Writer/100193913390453.
About Donations to Clarity
The plan was simple: hoax bigfoot, then sell tours to bigfoot enthusiasts. The plan wasn’t brilliant, and neither were Harry, Earl, and Patch. The three chemical-abusing friends only wanted to avoid the 9 to 5 rat race, but their antics attract the attention of a real bigfoot. When the misogynistic Earl is mistaken for a female bigfoot by the nearsighted creature and captured; it is just the beginning of their problems.
The U.S. Government has a plan to naturalize the mythical creatures living within the U.S. borders. The problem is the plan needs to be carried out carefully. You can’t just drop little green men and Sasquatch in the middle of Walmart without warning Ma and Pa Taxpayer. The naturalization program is not ready to be set into motion, and the rogue bigfoot is bringing too much attention to itself, including a feisty investigative reporter who uncovers the truth of the government conspiracy and two bigfoot researchers. No longer able to contain the situation, government agents are tasked with eliminating the bigfoot and all witnesses.
Between bong hits and water balloon fights, Harry and Patch come up with a plan to save Earl and the lovestruck bigfoot. Where do you hide a giant, mythical creature? In an insane asylum, because who is going to listen to them?
Along the way, the three friends learn Star Wars was a government training film for children, the truth behind Elvis meeting President Nixon, and the significance of the weight of the human turd.
Giveaways, Contests & Prizes!To celebrate the release of Noah’s book, Donations to Clarity, he will be attending the Pump Up Your Book Live! November Author Chat / Book Giveaway Party on Friday, November 18. This is the perfect opportunity to ask Noah anything on a one on one basis. Plus, he’s giving away a copy of his book to one lucky person who participates in the chat!
Click here to find out more details!